taking a step backwards to heal . . .
We almost finished the first month of the new year and something feels different in 2023. I was not able to identify what changed in my environment or even in myself to make this period of time feel so different, but I took some time and came to a conclusion…
“Everyone is looking for this one word, for this one thing called purpose…
… what I have learned is, if you marry skill with passion you will find purpose… and literally the whole world opens up.”
-I. Somerhalder
photo by Philipp Förster @philforster_
What I have noticed in myself…
I have noticed that I was in a very uncertain place mentally and spiritually. This was the first year I did not have the urge to write down New Years resolutions, because I did not see the benefit of achieving short term goals. I did not have the wish to get to a certain weight or read a certain amount of books. I did not have the ambition to finish my long planned book until a certain deadline I set for myself, just to push it back once I realised it was not possible for me to adhere. All of that did not matter anymore and I was wondering what had changed. It was not like I stopped having goals or ambitions, but it was more so that I knew I no longer needed a piece of paper with a set date and schedule to tell me how and when to reach them.
For the first time I didn’t want to finish that book, but I knew I would.
For the fist time I didn't want to lose weight, but I knew it was more important to nourish and take care of my body in order to become strong and stay healthy.
For the first time I didn’t want to read a certain amount of books, because I knew I wanted to expand my knowledge, open up to new things and learn about nature, culture, art and spirituality by listening, reading and experiencing life itself.
So what made my mindset shift? - it was easy, really. It was something I always preached to friends and family who asked me for advice and as the story goes… it is always hardest to practice what you preach yourself. So whenever a friend was uncertain if they should take a certain risk, make that big change in their life or were simply unhappy with their accomplishments I would besides other things probably always tell them:
You live for yourself, not others. You owe absolutely nothing to your parents, your partner or whoever you think you would disappoint by your actions. They don't owe you anything and you don't owe them anything ether. Not your time, not your love, not your approval or your obedience.
The thing you need to understand is, that you have to only make one person happy and proud and that is yourself, because it will be the most devastating thing once you realise you have disappointed yourself in order to please someone else - most of the time someone, who would not have done the same thing for you.
So the next time you ask yourself how to decide on an issue, consider the following:
- would it make me happy?
- would it make me proud?
- will I regret not having at least tried?
… because you can never truly fail if you actually tried.
So I guess that's what changed in my mindset after 2022 came to a close… after taking a year off of social media, after struggling with my mental health and after finally accepting myself for who I am and who I am going to become. All of that of course came with a price. I missed a whole semester at University, because I had to prioritise myself for now. That was really hard for me and made things even harder at first, but it also helped me see that progress is not linear. It is okay to have ups and downs and it is okay to take your time. I think I was at my worst when I was convinced I was wasting my time, stying in bed, crying for days… When I thought I would disappoint everyone around me, when I did not succeed immediately with my studies… I spiralled deeper and deeper in my self doubt and depression, putting pressure on myself I projected on the people around me.
After weeks and let's be honest, months of staying inside, not feeling like myself considering to check myself into psychiatric care, because I truly thought I could not do it any longer, I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was completely and brutally honest with myself. I filled a whole journal with my thoughts and emotions and everything that made me feel so stuck and helpless and I realised that the whole time I was lying to myself.
I was not scared of disappointing others, I was scared of disappointing myself and of that what others might think. No one was putting pressure on me to go to University and write straight As, that was only me. I did that to myself. And most importantly, I was not wasting my time doing nothing all those weeks, I was taking my time to heal. I was taking the time that I needed to heal from myself, my past and to heal my inner child. Without those past weeks, which felt like hell and like I was so stuck, I would have never been able to move forward in life. I would have never been able to set my priorities straight, begin my healing process of my body and soul and I would have never been able to forgive myself and others who have hurt me in the past. Now, I am ready to move on and that was very needed.
Even though the past weeks and months were the hardest of my life (and I am convinced it is not over yet), it was so necessary. I took the time and grieved a past version of myself, a version of me that perhaps only existed in my mind. I now aligned the person I want to be with the person I am in this moment. I still have a long way to go, but I think I am finally ready to be brave and start living for myself, instead of for what I think others expect of me.
I will take my time and enjoy every step of the way, because it is part of my journey.
“I am right where i am supposed to be in my journey. every step will not only bring me closer to my goals, but is a goal and HAPPINESS in itself.”
- Lilly Lockwood
I realise that this is not the reality of everyone who might read this. Sometimes there are external pressures weighing in on you and pulling you down and sometimes dealing with mental health by yourself is not an option and seeking help is the only realistic way to keep going. And that's okay. Every persons experiences and circumstances are different and I am only sharing my personal story here, because maybe some of it resonates with someone out there. Perhaps it can help a single soul out there to know they are not alone and how a new perspective by investing hard work in yourself might set you free. So remember to be kind to yourself and others. You never know what they are going through at the moment.
Please stay strong and never give up your dreams, because that's the one thing no one can ever take away from you.
— love Lilly